Learning Emotional Literacy


How do we make best use of emotions when they arise? How can we turn them into useful allies instead of pesky interference from the body?


As a culture, we’re not big on identifying, naming and allowing for our own emotional responses to stimuli. We seem more prone to suppress emotions until they become unbearable to hold in, and them act them out in undesirable behaviors or until they become calcified into negative mood states and physical maladies. Wouldn’t it be nice to prevent that calcification and allow our feelings to flow through us instead?

I think that as early as possible, we should teach children how to identify their feelings accurately, tolerate them, and express them appropriately. Many children are taught that when they express their emotions, they’re being “bad” or “naughty.” Really, they are doing their best to let the grownups in their lives know that something needs paying attention. We need to teach them better ways of expressing their feelings that are age-appropriate. If we teach them that their feelings are wrong, they grow up suppressing them or acting them out and can’t enjoy life the way they’re meant to. It’s up to us to help them turn their emotions from these powerful forces they don’t understand, to acceptable and even helpful signals in their bodies that they can make wise decisions about.

Emotions are there to alert us to something that’s happening within us or in our environments. They can be powerful allies that protect us from harm, allow us to enjoy life, and grieve our losses. We don’t have to fear them anymore than we fear breathing, digesting food, or going to the bathroom. They are a natural, healthy part of our bodily systems and we need to make space for noticing and experiencing them. We don’t need to act on them all the time, which some people mistakenly think is part of this equation. Instead, the more mindful we are of them, the better we can decide what to do with them when they arise.

Since many of you reading this blog may not have had emotional literacy training as kids (since you’re probably at least a teenager, if not older), it may be harder to make up for what you didn’t get as kids. Nonetheless, I believe it’s never too late to learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. This is by no means a comprehensive piece on how to achieve emotional literacy, but I can put out a basic map of where your journey might lead you.

First, you need to be able to identify when emotions are coming up. Some people don’t know the words that go along with the feelings, so you might want to familiarize yourselves with the basics. Of course there are sad, mad, happy, scared, the strong emotions that most of us are able to identify readily. But if even that seems foreign, then you can start with what’s happening in your body.

Mindfulness is a good place to start. When you feel tightness in your chest, your arms feel like moving outward, and you feel flushed in the face, what might that be expressing? If you feel like hurting someone else or hitting something then you’re probably angry. If you feel a fluttery sensation in your stomach, your breathing is restricted or rapid and shallow, and you feel light-headed as a result, then you’re probably experiencing fear. These are just two examples of matching physical sensations with emotions that can signal to you that your emotions are activated. Sometimes, people can just describe what’s happening in their bodies at first. That’s fine, it’s a good place to start. As you become more emotionally literate, you start to link the feeling names to the body sensations… and then you’re cooking with gas!

Next, you notice what you tend to do when emotions get activated. You notice that you might snap at people when you’re mad, cry when you’re sad, or avoid certain situations when you’re scared. This awareness allows you to take the next step, which is noticing what the consequences of your behavior are, and deciding if they are helping you or hurting you in life. If your tendency is to self-harm or drink alcohol when you’re angry or sad, then that probably isn’t helpful in the long run. If you tend to lash out or snap at people, which results in losing friendships or hurting other important relationships, that is also a behavior you might want to discard. It’s not that you judge or insult yourself for having these behaviors. You simply notice them and what effect they have on your life.

Next comes the exciting part. Once you notice which behaviors go with which feelings, and which you don’t want or do want, you can start to make informed decisions about what you want to do when the feelings come up. When you get mad at someone, you might pause and say, “I’m feeling angry. I know this because my fists are balled up and I’m feeling flushed in the face. I want to hit this person, but I can’t because I’ll get in trouble. I also want to yell at them but that will damage our relationship. What can I do instead?” This is an important juncture in your decision-making ability that signals a more sophisticated level of emotional literacy. Instead of acting out (hitting, yelling) or acting in (self-harming, saying mean things to yourself), you can express your anger directly but respectfully. You might need assertiveness training to learn how to do this, but it’s great that you can get to this point when you can make wise mind decisions (to use a phrase from Dialectical Behavior Therapy). When you observe your feelings nonjudgmentally, you have a better chance of making decisions that will benefit you and the people around you.

Therapy can be a great place to start the process of gaining emotional literacy. It’s a safe place where you can risk expressing feelings that you might have learned were “unacceptable” or “bad” by your caregivers growing up. It’s helpful to identify these feelings, especially long-buried ones, with someone else’s help. It doesn’t feel quite as lonely and scary that way. When you have emotional literacy, you can do deeper levels of therapy more easily and resolve trauma and grief with more self-assurance that you won’t get swallowed whole by the feelings that come up. It’s also helpful for everyday life, keeping you from getting in trouble with people in your life like your boss, partner, friends, etc. If you need help achieving emotional literacy, please give me a call. I’d love to help.

Medically Unexplained Illnesses: It’s not just all in your head!


Having a stigmatized chronic illness can make it more challenging to cope with illness. This is an introduction to CFS, FMS, and MCS, all medically unexplained illnesses. Having compassion and greater understanding for people with these conditions, may help sufferers reduce their stress.


A Brief Introduction to Medically Unexplained Illnesses

Some chronic illnesses have specific titles, treatments and are much more easily understood by medical professionals. They have a consistent set of diagnostic criteria and so they are easy to diagnose, treat, and maintain. More research is done to find drugs and treatments that help with their treatment, and so while they are not curable, they are treatable and people can have a fairly decent quality of life with those illnesses. Some examples are diabetes, thyroid disease, osteoarthritis, and some psychiatric disorders like depression and Bipolar illness.

However, there are some illnesses, like Fibromyalgia (FMS), Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), and Multiple Chemical Sensitivity (MCS), whose symptoms are not well-understood by medical professionals, and since those symptoms overlap with other disorders and don’t lend themselves well to specific diagnosis, they don’t get as much research funding and effort. Their causes are also not well understood either; hypnotheses include viruses, childhood trauma, injury, psychiatric disorders like depression and PTSD, chemical reactions gone awry, etc. The fact that the disorders are not well-understood does not mean that the disorders are any less distressing to sufferers. It also doesn’t mean that they are simply “psychosomatic” (i.e., psychiatric symptoms masquerading or perceived as physical disorders). There has been a great deal ofstruggle to gain legitimacy in the medical field for people who suffer Medically Unexplained Syndromes (MUPS), as people with these conditions have an added stress of not being believed by family, friends and medical professionals. If they could point to a well-defined diagnostic label like cancer or arthritis, they might have a chance to be believed by others. Some prominent medical researchers have suggested that these disorders are purely psychological, and that if they just got Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, they would be fine. However, as anyone who has coped with fatigue, joint pain, cognitive dysfunction (like poor memory and concentration), or extreme discomfort after chemical exposure can attest, it is not just “all in your head.” Other people demean MUPS symptoms as “just being lazy” or “the yuppy flu.”

Fibromyalgia is perhaps one of the relatively better-researched MUPS and is characterized by joint pain in 11 of 18 tender points on the body, fatigue, insomnia, and at times cognitive dysfunction, like mental “fogginess” that makes it hard to concentrate, focus, or remember things. Many people with Fibromyalgia are limited in what they can do, how they can move, and sometimes their employment opportunities and capacities are severely hampered by their symptoms. Similarly, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome can negatively impact fulfilling social and occupational roles, and sometimes they have to apply for disability as they struggle to even achieve minimal activities of daily living. CFS has many similar symptoms to FMS (fatigue, cognitive problems, joint discomfort) but also have tender lymph nodes, flu-like symptoms, and “post-exertion malaise” which means that if they do too much during the day, they feel even worse for the next day to week. You may be able to see how this could interfere with holding down a job, raising children, having a social life, or running a household. While these disorders usually affect women, men can also be affected. Children and adolescents can become ill with CFS and FMS too, although it’s much rarer.  Most of the studies on CFS and FMS that have been done involve adults from 40-60 years old. It affects all socioeconomic statuses as well as ethnicities.

Multiple Chemical Sensitivities (MCS) is perhaps the most controversial of the MUPS and while it shares a few symptoms with FMS and CFS, it is more focused on negative reactions to exposure to chemicals in every day products. Some of those products include cigarette smoke, gasoline, solvents, perfume, clothing dyes, dryer sheets, cleaning agents, pesticides, and hairspray. People have a range of symptoms when exposed to these types of chemicals, including respiratory problems, skin rashes, headaches, cognitive problems, etc. people with FMS and CFS sometimes have sensitivity to smells, but it is not a defining feature of either of those conditions. Because there’ve been some studies where people failed to show increased sensitivity to certain agents in a laboratory, some medical professionals regard MCS as merely a psychosomatic illness. However, the reactions are real, cause physical and mental distress, and sufferers are not merely imagining what they experience. Instead of invalidating people’s experience, it seems more beneficial when doctors, friends, and workplaces can work with people who are sensitive to smells to make them comfortable, happy and productive. Other people might not perceive the same smells as threatening, because they get no physical reaction. However, there are number of factors that might contribute to some people’s extra sensitive reaction. I will address these factors in the next blog post.

This is been an overview of medically unexplained illnesses, which are often chronic and whose prognosis is often uncertain. Many of these illnesses overlap in symptoms, but the sufferers have very real struggles in meeting their life roles and functioning well. Hopefully, with more understanding, research, and compassion, we can make their experience a little better and a little less stressful. I will be writing about them more in future blog posts, in specific the link between psychological factors and physical symptoms of these illnesses.

Terror on Our Soil


It seems like just a few weeks ago I was happily celebrating LGBTQQIA pride and waving my ally flag high, when the terrible shooting in Pulse night club in Orlando, Florida occurred. I have seen how it has affected my clients who identify with that community. It brings up all their trauma and grief of being rejected, bullied, and targeted for violence for years. It’s hard to conceive that someone could be so hateful and unstable to kill so many people, but even one fatality or injury due to hate is one too many. How do we make sense of this, and how do we recover from this tragedy?

I won’t pretend to have the answers, but I can tell you how I cope with tragedies like this. Maybe that can help guide you, in healing from terror on our soil. Interestingly, our culture seems more supportive of attacks from people outside our country, like 9/11, than gun violence within our country. Both are vicious attacks and deserve to be taken seriously, but the way some religious leaders are blaming the victim in the Orlando shooting would never have happened post-9/11. Who would have the gall to blame the people in the Twin Towers for what happened to them? And who has the audacity and lack of compassion to say that the people in the night club that night are to blame? Unfortunately, some do.

First, I think we heal collectively when we offer each other support and kindness after any tragedy. The receivers of the support benefit, obviously, but givers of support also do better. I believe that is because it gives us a sense of purpose and meaning; it’s an opportunity to unite and comfort each other. That comfort is crucial, especially for a group of people who has been historically ostracized and treated appallingly by mainstream society. We now have a chance to show that we’re better than our history, that we can be redeemed through kindness and acceptance now.
Second, I think that we need to find a way to make our culture much less violent in general. Wherever you stand on the issues of the LGBTQQIA community or gun control, it’s hard to argue that we’re a peace-loving culture. Our culture is steeped in violence, from our entertainment to the way we treat each other, our families, our children, and sometimes even ourselves. I think we need to take a collective step back and ask, “Why do we have so much violence? What purpose does it serve? How do we benefit from it and how do we pay for it? How can I reduce the violence in my life?” This may take the form of activism, writing your congress people and senators and asking for different approaches to domestic and foreign policy, or it may take a more personal approach of reflection and spiritual seeking. Whatever form it takes, I think it’s worth the effort. And there is nothing wrong with taking both an activist and personal approach. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

To the families of those who passed in the shooting, and all shootings, I offer my sincere sympathy and I hope that you get the support and kindness you need. This should never ever have happened, just as any shooting should never have occurred. I hope that we can all prevent something like this from happening again.

I would love to know how you are coping with this tragedy. Please share your comments with me below.

Room for All of Us


Since this is LGBTQQIA Awareness Month, I thought I might share some thoughts about diversity and how we as a country have yet to fully embrace it. Diversity benefits us as a community, a nation, and a planet. Sameness may make us feel safer psychologically, but ultimately leads to creative stagnation if we allow fear to keep us from experiencing and exposing ourselves to the differences that make up the human race.

I see many people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and I love it. I strive to make my practice open and inviting to everyone, regardless of gender identification or sexual preference. I learn so much from everyone I see who is different from me. I try to make myself as educated as I can, but there are times that I am not fully aware of my bias, and I strive to correct that. My graduate school, John F. Kennedy University, emphasized multicultural awareness and for that I am extremely grateful. This has been an interesting experience for me because I grew up in a very liberal area (the SF Bay Area) and went to school in equally liberal Santa Cruz (go Banana Slugs!). In that bubble of acceptance and outright pride in diversity, it was less common to see people disenfranchised for being queer-gendered or gay, lesbian or bisexual. However, when I moved to the Antelope Valley, I started seeing people having to hide their sexuality or gender differences from their families, as well as hearing strikingly sad tales of adolescents being kicked out of their family homes for being LBGT.

I see homophobia and transphobia hurt people, not only those who identify as LGBTQQIA but also cis-gendered and heterosexual people. I sometimes see self-mutilation, low self-esteem, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, and a sense of hopelessness in the people who have been ostracized. And in heterosexual people who are involved with gay, lesbian, bi and trans people, I also encounter hatred and disgust, rigidity, fear, anger, and unnecessary restriction of association. Relationships are ruptured and strained because of fear and bigotry. One family prevented their child from being best friends with a girl who identified as bisexual. Another person rejected her son because he was gay. These stories are all too common and horrible to hear. When we shun people who are different from us, we miss out on a different perspective, and our intolerance and ignorance makes us enemies where we could be allies. If you think about it, we all do best when we feel loved, accepted and respected by one another; why should that be different for someone who is different from you?

Where did we go wrong, I wonder. How did we become so intolerant of what we don’t know, or understand? How can we repair the ruptured bonds that hold us together as humans? And what can we do to educate people, including ourselves, about what it means to be LGBTQQIA? When can we let go of viewing diversity as a threatening force, and instead see it as stimulating, refreshing, exciting, interesting, an opportunity to hone our own self-understanding as well as grasping what it means to be one little person in a big wide world?

I think education is part of what we can do; but there are frankly those who choose not to educate themselves or embrace acceptance of difference. Can we effectively stand up for diversity, by not allowing bigoted comments like “that’s so gay” to go without confronting it? Can we intercede when we see bullying against an LGBTQQIA child or adult? Sometimes change has to happen at a political level, with policies that end bigotry. Such these battles are not easily won, for any group deemed non-dominant. Maybe we need to address bigotry against anyone on many different levels, both within ourselves, between people, and at the national and international level. I encourage you to be aware not only this month but all year round, of the lack of acceptance of people who are different from you. Hopefully it will be something you want to change, enough to change it. It’s a small planet in some ways, but I still maintain that there’s room for all of us.

Dealing with Rejection


There are few situations that are harder to accept than being rejected by another person, or even organization. Even if we are mentally healthy, we are social animals and want to be liked and loved by others, or to have their approval. After all, when we were more primitive beings long ago, our very survival depended on being accepted by the people in our clan. Perhaps that need to survive is what lingers with us now, in spite of our vastly more complicated social systems and circumstances.

There is also the missed opportunity of being part of a desired activity, whether it is getting a job, hanging out with cool people, having fun, being invited to parties we’d enjoy, etc. That, combined with the sting of not being part of the “in” group, can bring us back to being kids on the school yard when the cool kids didn’t want to play with us. It can hurt even more when the rejection is at the hands of our family members. Nonetheless, rejection is still the same: someone else has determined that there just isn’t a fit between you and them.

Don’t take it personally — “duh!”

The first thing to remember is not to take this personally. Yeah right, you might say. How do I not take this personally? Good question. There are a number of ways to not take it personally. First, remember that you are the same person whether accepted or rejected by others, and that your inherent worth is unchanged. Yes, you might feel cruddy right now in the heat of the moment, but that doesn’t have anything to do with how good or bad you are. Only you can determine your worth in absolute terms.

Just as Good as Anyone Else!

Knowing, liking and accepting yourself is a subject for another post, but basically it boils down to this: you have talents, gifts and limitations like anyone else on the planet. You might shine in one area where I am really not as talented, and vice versa. The more you know and accept these areas within yourself, the easier it is to gauge that against what others are saying (or not saying) about you. Other people might have a different idea of what they want in a friend, lover, employee, etc. that doesn’t make what you have to offer subpar; it’s just not a match.

The Myth of Universal Appeal

Second on your agenda is remembering that not everyone has to like you, just as you don’t like everyone you come across. The idea that you can please everyone uniformly is not only unrealistic, it can make you subservient or angry, neither of which is socially attractive or effective. There are people you will mesh well with, and people who make your tummy turn when you get in their presence. That’s OK! It’s liberating when you think of it. You don’t have to be perfect for them and vice versa.

Who do you Love?

Finally, focus your attention on the people who you do enjoy. You might not have a large circle of close friends yet, but that can change over time. It is vital to remember that relationship-building takes time and effort. You can’t just walk into a room and have an instant friend. I don’t care what Hollywood movies try to portray at times – not very many people have that instant charisma, and if they do, I’m often a little wary of them. There’s nothing wrong with pursuing friendship with people, but don’t let your ego get mangled in the process.

Psychiatrists Versus Psychologists


There’s a lot of confusion about what psychiatrists and what psychologists do. In the beginning of our profession, there was no distinction, really, because psychiatry was invented by a medical doctor, Sigmund Freud. As the years have worn on, however, the functions and duties have become separate. I would like to help clarify some of the differences.

Psychiatrists

Psychiatrists are medical doctors who have specialized training in psychiatry, namely treatment of diseases of the mind. Some psychiatrists still spend time talking to their patients at length about life’s problems and how to cope with them better. However, for whatever reason, they have a lot less time now, especially since managed care has become such a prevalent force in the mental health field. Unfortunately, their time has become more and more valuable and a lot of times they are in a hurry to treat as many people as possible. At is not their fault; it’s just how it is and a lot of communities. As a result, people sometimes go to psychiatrists and feel offended and hurt that the psychiatrist can’t spend a lot of time listening to their problems. This is unfortunate, because sometimes people didn’t want medication in the first place and were hoping to be heard and understood. This doesn’t mean that psychiatrists can hear and understand people, just that there focuses mostly on how the person is doing physically with their mental health condition. Psychiatrists spend most of the time evaluating the symptoms presented to them and how medication can address so symptoms. They can be true lifesavers if a person has a mental health condition that lends itself to medication. For instance, severe depression and bipolar disorder often require medication in order for the person to fully heal. Similarly, psychotic disorders like Schizophrenia require medication in order to have a productive, happy life.

Psychologists

Psychologists are experts in psychology. There are many different types. For instance, forensic psychologists work in the law and criminal justice capacities. They do evaluations, psychological testing, and write reports about their findings, as well as testify in court cases. Health psychologists specialize in helping people with medical conditions and do research on different topics, such as the role of stress and different diseases on mental processes. Clinical psychologists treat emotional and psychological illness by using psychotherapy and often work in conjunction with psychiatrists. This is what I do mostly, and I am very grateful to have the ability to collaborate with medical professionals when there are complex cases of mental disturbance. Not everyone who sees a psychologist needs medication or wants medication; some want to try psychotherapy before resorting to medication, and women who are breast-feeding often want to wait until they are no longer breast-feeding to try medication. I respect the desires and needs of the patient, that in cases where severe mental illness is present, I strongly recommend that people at least be evaluated by a psychiatrist. There are also things that people can do to help themselves feel better that don’t involve medication or talk therapy, and I encourage people to take care themselves as much is possible in order to be empowered and have a full, healthy life. For example, exercise can be and honestly helpful for depression and anxiety. Taking medication is not incompatible with exercise, meditation, yoga, good nutrition, or any other non-pharmacological interventions. If you choose to take the herbs or supplements, however you should check to make sure they don’t interfere with whatever medication you’re taking, whether it be psychiatric meds or medications for physical illness.

I hope this clears up some of the common misconceptions about what I do versus what a psychiatrist does. We still have a long way to educate the general public about how each can help people with emotional and psychiatric illness. However, hopefully this is a step in the right direction.

Us and Them


human family.


It’s very easy to get caught up and hating people who have heard us. The natural tendency is to either fight the person or avoid them, and this is what the sympathetic branch of our autonomic nervous systems set us up to do. It makes sense in terms of survival, especially when we were much more vulnerable and society was a lot less sophisticated. We also developed a sense of “us versus them” that helped distinguish people who are part of your hunting tribe or clan in prehistoric times, from people who were possibly a threat or from a competing tribe. However, in this increasingly small world of ours, I don’t think we have the luxury of adhering to this knee-jerk reaction to people who are different from us.

If you ever observe very young children, they have very polarized views as they learn how to distinguish themselves from other people. At around two or three, they start to say things like “that’s mine!” And “no!” This is perfectly natural for that age and it helps us draw boundaries before our brains are more sophisticated. Our parents, if they’re doing their job well, help us learn how to smooth out the harsh edges of these strong declarations. They help us learn that we have to share and that we have to think about other people’s feelings when we speak our minds. Some people are able to make the transition into more sophisticated ways of thinking and interacting, while others, sadly, don’t. It’s natural to have strong preferences and to want to make your life comfortable for yourself based on those preferences and desires, what isn’t healthy is expecting that everyone else would here to those preferences and that the people who don’t are against you.

I see a lot of families where one person in the family is different somehow from others, in either the parents, siblings, or spouses can’t understand why that person is acting differently. If the person is acting differently is being destructive or inconsiderate of other people, then there is good reason to speak up about it. However, sometimes people are shamed just for being different in temperament, lifestyle choice, personality, or something they can’t help. This is very unfortunate because then that person feels outcast from the very people with whom they’re supposed to be able to be comfortable. When I work with such families, I try to help people understand that while you might not like the behavior of the person with whom you live, that doesn’t mean that the whole person is damaged, tainted or wrong. You can address the behavior you don’t like without shaming the person are making them feel unloved.

Similarly, I would argue that all of us on the planet are in some way related to each other. Were all sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, and so on. What would it be like if we were able to differences with respect, dignity, and curiosity rather than hatred, separatism, and shaming? Certainly, there are behaviors that are violent, exploitive, and hurtful; I don’t condone such behavior and think we should do everything in our power to eradicate such behavior. But if we don’t approach it with curiosity, we don’t know why it’s happening and we can address it effectively. I believe it’s possible to use our more advanced parts of our brain, like our prefrontal cortex, to reason, use language, and remain open to many possibilities. When we get caught up in the emotional parts of our brains and stick with the binary us versus them mentality, we miss the boat in many ways. We don’t get a chance to understand why people commit violence, why people exploit each other, and what can be done to change that. Who hasn’t made mistakes in their lives and then things they later regret? Who hasn’t heard someone inadvertently or on purpose in their lives? If we of all made mistakes, should we all be bitterly condemned and outcast from society? Worse yet, should we all be treated like dangerous criminals? I am not naïve enough to think that there isn’t a need for prisons and punishment; I do believe, however, that we need more tools in our toolbox to address behavior that we find objectionable.

So the next time you have a strong reaction to another person or their behavior, you might want to consider where they’re coming from and what might be motivating it other than “evil” or “stupidity.” Remember that the person might be doing their best and may need more skills and more knowledge in order to act in a way that’s more considerate and kind to others.

Healing in The Now


Whether we’re suffering emotionally or physically, no one really likes to suffer for very long. This is natural and normal, and I never would blame anyone for wanting to get better quickly. However, sometimes the desire to get better becomes a permanent stance of impatience that can actually thwart our efforts to get better. If he comes a cool paradox in which we strive so hard to not feel the way were feeling, that we make ourselves more miserable. Living in the future too much distracts us from what we can do in the moment to make ourselves feel better.

I know a lot of people who have emotional or physical problems, both professionally and personally. I have been in that boat, and struggling with a chronic illness is never A fun thing. I have also noticed that the people who live well and feel better quicker, do not get caught up in how fast their healing. They’re not competing against other people who also suffer to see who gets better fastest and in the best way. We have what is called bio individuality, which means that each have a unique body chemistry that interacts with our emotional and spiritual selves, as well as the outside world. What works for one person may not work for another.

There are some things, like alcohol and cigarettes, that probably don’t work for most people to create optimal wellness. However, some people might do very well on them diet with a lot of meat and rich foods, while someone else might feel better if he mostly vegetables and fruit. The point of this is that if we find something that works for us, it doesn’t necessarily work for everyone else who has health problems or mental health issues. We need to be careful about how we talk about our health, not just for others’ sake but also for our own sake.

What do I mean by this, when we think of ourselves as inadequate because we have a mental or physical condition, and we get angry at ourselves for not progressing further, it rarely serves us. If it motivates us to action, such as exercising more, eating better, applying ourselves rigorously to what our doctors recommend, then it can be helpful. However, what I usually see is that people’s impatience and anger at themselves turns into a self-destructive pattern of self- rebuke and low self-esteem, sometimes even depression. It’s natural and as I said before to want to get better. When it turns unhealthy is when we get so bogged down in impatience and anger, that we ignore what we can do in the present moment to improve our well being.

Sometimes there isn’t a lot we can do in the moment, at least from a medical standpoint. They may be taking our medications as prescribed, going to therapy your physical therapy, eating the way we’re supposed to, but the internal work that needs to be done falls by the wayside.

What is this internal work? It’s noticing what’s going on now in our body, mind and spirit. If that sounds to ethereal an abstract, what I mean is that we can observe how were moving, how were thinking, and how we’re feeling emotionally. We can use that data to make decisions about how we care for ourselves. That is a better use of our time and energy than getting angry at ourselves for not being healthier. Anger at ourselves is only useful if it motivates us to protect ourselves order energizes us toward effective solutions. Please keep this in mind next time you find yourself getting frustrated with yourself for not being healthier, happier, more productive, etc.

What is a traumatic event?


In talking to a friend of mine recently, I realized that not everyone who experiences a traumatic event defines it as one. Some people who have had so many terrible things happen to them, think that such events are “just part of life… deal with them and get over it!” Unfortunately, it isn’t usually as easy as that sounds. Over a long period of time, traumatic events tend to accumulate and create self-defeating beliefs about ourselves and the world, as well as behavior patterns that get in the way of getting us what we want.

So just what is a traumatic event? More interestingly, what makes some people think it’s easy to “get over” an event, and what makes other people think the same event is traumatic?

A traumatic event is something that brings an overwhelming sense of terror, pain, or stress to the person experiencing or witnessing it. Some examples are having one’s wife threatened or watching someone be seriously injured or killed, as in war or gang violence. Rape can also be traumatizing, as well as sexual assault or molestation of a child. Loss can also cause trauma, especially if it is stigmatized, sudden and unexpected, or profoundly disorienting. Sometimes sudden change that isn’t life-threatening can also be experienced in a very disturbing way. For example, feeling disempowered by someone else, losing a job for friendship, nasty and ugly divorces, or being taken advantage of in a way that profoundly impacts your life.

 Some of the effects of trauma include emotional numbing, intrusive memories and flashbacks, nightmares, hypersensitivity to sound and other sensory stimuli, a heightened startled reaction, and exaggerated emotional response to things that remind the person of a trauma, and irritability that seems irrational to other people. Many people returning home from combat situations, who has been away from their families for a long time, have difficulty readjusting to civilian life because they are so used to ongoing stress of an unusual nature. Most of us are fortunate to not have to deal with such stressors, but even being in a very dysfunctional family with domestic violence, exploitation, or neglect can cause many of the symptoms. Sometimes people who have suffered from trauma hear other people say that they were traumatized by the situation, and they think “you don’t know what real problems like. You wouldn’t have survived what I went through.” What people don’t realize is that we all have different levels of sensitivity and resiliency to stress, including traumatic stress.

 I will talk about resiliency and another post, but basically you can understand it as a house metaphor. The foundation of healthy mental functioning is secure attachment, I believe. What do I mean by this? Attachments is a phenomenon that occurs between an infant and their caregiver. There are many different ways that adults and infants attach, depending on the mental health of both parties. But the most stable and secure attachments creates the ability to regulate how the infant feels. Over time, this helps the infant’s self-esteem, as well as responding to emotional stress. This is not the only thing that makes humans resilient to stress, but it does play a large part in resiliency. The interaction between the infant and the adult caregiver facilitates very complex and comprehensive brain development, and paves the way for dealing with life much more effectively. People who were unfortunate enough to have insecure attachment, or void attachment, have a harder time understanding and dealing with their emotions. It can be hard to control how they act, think and feel when under stress. Add to this and extremely stressful situation, like being assaulted, robbed, or seriously injured, and it makes it much more challenging to cope with post-traumatic stress.

 If you think that you have been through a traumatic event and need help healing from it, please call 661-233-6771. I’m happy to help you.

 

Acting from your Center


Keep your relationships from becoming destructive by holding onto your center and doing what you know to be right.


“Even if everyone else is not doing good, I alone will. Even if everyone else is doing wrong, I alone will not.” – Master Chin Kung, Heart of a Buddha

Sometimes when people around you are acting in a way that tempts you to reduce your own behavior to their level, it’s hard to hold on to what you know to be the right thing. I see in human relationships reciprocity that can sometimes be damaging and disturbing. What I mean by this is that one person will hurt the other, and instead of inquiring about why the person did this or trying to understand the context of the behavior, retaliation ensues. In couples, this can be retaliatory affairs or insults. In families it can be trans-generational physical or emotional abuse. In communities, it can result in gang violence or political maneuvering that hurts both parties ultimately. At the level of international affairs, it can lead to war and corruption. And all these instances, the knee-jerk reaction that comes from the limbic system is to get that person back. How dare they hurt me! How dare they render me powerless? The temptation is very strong and it takes a lot of work and discipline to train our brains to pause, reflect, and consider our options in a rational way.

Think of it time that you’ve been hurt by another person, or even by a group of people. What were your choices at the time? Do you feel like you did the right thing in that moment for all consider? Did you protect yourself adequately? Sometimes we do need to take action and act firm and strong in order to protect ourselves. However, sometimes what seems like protection actually gets more violence or pain. It can be very confusing in the moment to distinguish between the two. Another thing to consider is whether, upon reflection later, he will still think that was the best choice for you. We regret having acted this way, simply you think, “I wish I would’ve acted differently”? I know that in my life, I’ve spoken in anger more than a few times and regretted it later. It can damage relationships or even end up, and you can’t unsay what has been said. The tide of pain and suffering is very hard to turn on your own. But when I work with children I see that many times, the children know the right thing to do in the moment they’ve been hurt. But their ego makes it impossible for them to do that right action. We are all doing our best, wherever we are. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t train ourselves to use our prefrontal cortex more actively in our decisions. For those of you who aren’t familiar with your marvelous prefrontal cortex, it can act as breaks on acting out from the steam engine of our emotions. For more information about how it works, click this link: http://thebrain.mcgill.ca/flash/i/i_08/i_08_cr/i_08_cr_dep/i_08_cr_dep.html.

We need to learn to find our center. The center in my mind, is the place where I observe what is happening within me and outside of me. I’m able to detach a little from my emotions and use reason. Things may distract me momentarily, but I can stay calm and consider all the things that I need to do in this situation. Unlike the ladies in the picture, I can avoid conflict if it is unnecessary and use my words if necessary, to diffuse potential harm. Not everyone is blessed with a healthy prefrontal cortex or with training and discipline already in place to develop the prefrontal cortex. However, if you have it, you might as well make use of it. Some disorders, like attention deficit disorder and people with brain injuries to their frontal lobes, need extra help in this area. They may act or speak impulsively and have a hard time finding their center. For most of us however, we are capable and fortunate enough to have this wonderful capacity at our disposal. Some people develop their center – finding capabilities through meditation or prayer; others can do exercises to develop the capability.

Once we learn to pause, reflect, and consider our options we will not be swayed by what other people are doing. We will know how to protect ourselves from being damaged or hurt, but we will not flowing mud at the offender. We will hesitate before harming the other person, not because of anyone’s value or level of deserving, but because we don’t want to be that person. You know, the hothead who always gets and arguments and says nasty things? That path leads to loneliness, heartache, and alienation from other human beings. Is that the life you want for yourself? I have learned that I don’t want that for me, and I try to help my clients avoid that path as well.  if you would like to learn how to improve your relationships and hold on to your center , please call  661-233-6771 .