Letting go is hard to do


More and more we hear about how it’s healthy and good to “let go,” whether the thing we’re supposed to let go of is a relationship that didn’t work, or a past wrong by another, or a past wrong we committed. There are so many things we can let go of, but actually doing it for a sustained amount of time can be quite challenging.

I recently read an interesting article (https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201503/the-ties-unwind) by Sara Eckel, about adult siblings who don’t communicate with each other after one or both has hurt the other. She used a term that struck a chord with me, “grievance collector.” This type of person holds onto perceived wrongs by others and holds resentment for long after the event occurred. I don’t have to explain to you, dear reader, how this just makes the person collecting and holding the grudge sick both physically and emotionally. I’m sure you’ve already heard about how that bathes the body and brain in stress chemicals when the grievance collector gets upset about it all over again when reminded of the original wrongdoing. I don’t have to tell you that the grievance collector is robbed of living in the present as long as they dwell needlessly in the past.

But let us consider why some of us get trapped in grievance collecting, and why it’s so hard to let go. It seems to be hard-wired for survival that we remember bad things happening most often; our limbic systems help ensure that we (hopefully) don’t touch the hot stove or get involved with the cheating lover repeatedly. However, when we generalize our bad experiences to everything that reminds us of that initial bad experience, it makes it hard to enjoy and appreciate what comes across our path in the present — or even to give it a chance to delight and surprise us. Add to this tendency to remember the negative for survival purposes, the idea that people “should” act a certain way, and you have a strong need to hold onto grudges and resentments.

Anyone in AA/NA knows that holding onto those can trigger relapses into self-destructive behavior, or in the case of people who are not addicted to drugs or alcohol, a relapse into negative feeling states that can seem stubborn and persistent. Sometimes being “police officer to the world” can be attractive because we can impose our worldview of right and wrong onto other people who have harmed us; in that moment we have the illusion of vindication over the wrongdoer. However, without some kind of resolution, it is empty and just harms us, not them.

So how to stop being a grievance collector and let some of these past wrongs go? It can take a while to retrain your mind from holding onto things that bug you, about yourself or other people. As you gain greater awareness of when you’re doing this, why you are getting upset about it, and recognize that you are powerless over the past, but not your reaction to it, you will find it easier to release them. Professional help and specifically, EMDR therapy can be helpful in resolving traumatic wrongs done to you. It’s a long journey and not easy, but ultimately much more liberating and empowering than lugging around your grievances wherever you go.

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